Gourry, the Tasteless
by Nova-chan
Summary: After losing his tastebuds, Gourry thinks he's dying and has a funeral for himself.


Gourry, the Tasteless  
  
Author: Nova-sama  
  
E-mail: IlovemenoV@aol.com  
  
Rating: G  
  
Series: Slayers  
  
Summary: Gourry has lost his tastebuds. (Come on, we all knew it had to happen someday!) Anyway, we also know that Gourry loves food, right? Well, is he still gonna love it when he can't taste it? Will he just go completely nuts and do something drastic? Does anyone believe that he's dying? And how is this all Xelloss' fault? Read.  
  
Disclaimer: I wish that it were mine.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"XELLOSS! I HATE YOU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Lina screamed.  
  
"Why, Lina-chan," he said, innocently, "I didn't do anything!"  
  
"Then WHY is it that I found a hideous, repulsive, vile, disgusting SLUG," she paused to shiver, "in my sleeping bag!!! I HATE YOU!! DIE! FIREBALL!!" She attempted to blast the retreating Mazoku, who shrieked and teleported away.  
  
Gourry now sat in the direct path of the fireball. "Look guys!" he exclaimed. "I found cheesecake!" The blast bounced off his armor, hit a tree, defragmented, leaving a tiny particle to hit Gourry in his open, expectant mouth. Tears welled up in his eyes. "Ow," he remarked. "Oh, look! Cheesecake!" He took a disturbingly large bite and swallowed it. He gasped and took another bite. He gasped for about fifteen seconds straight and took a small bite. He gasped for about a minute.  
  
"Is it that good?" Lina asked, suspiciously.  
  
Gourry looked at her. "No! I mean.yes.I mean.I hope so.I mean.I dunno!"  
  
"What do you mean, `I dunno'?" Zelgadis asked.  
  
"Well, it doesn't taste like anything," he said, sadly.  
  
"Try eating something else. It may be the cheesecake," Zelgadis told him.  
  
"Ooh.like a leaf?" Gourry suggested.  
  
"No, like something that is actually food." Zelgadis sweatdropped.  
  
"Like chicken?"  
  
"Yes. Like chicken."  
  
"Oh.I don't have any chicken."  
  
((_-));;  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They walked to the next town in order to find something Gourry could test his broken tastebuds on.  
  
When they got to the tavern, they ordered the usual: everything.  
  
Gourry dove right into the first item of food he saw. "NO!" he cried. "IT DOESN'T TASTE!! I'M GOING TO DIE!!"  
  
"You will not die, Gourry," Zelgadis said. "No one ever DIED from losing their tastebuds."  
  
"Unless you count Timmy Richardson," Xelloss interjected, openly.  
  
"Who's Timmy Richardson?" Gourry sniffed.  
  
"Oh, just an old friend of mine who thought that HE couldn't die from losing his tastebuds either," Xelloss went on, dramatically. "One night, when Timmy and I were talking, minding our own business, not bothering anybody, he all of sudden fell out of his chair. When I tried to see what happened, he had this long trail of blood coming out of his mouth. I took him to the hospital and they told me that there was nothing they could do." He shook his head. "So, don't believe anyone when they tell you, you can't die from losing your tastebuds: because you can."  
  
"Don't listen to him, Gourry," Lina said, as she tried to pry the hysterical swordsman off of her.  
  
"I DON'T WANNA DIE, LINA-CHAN!!!!!" he cried.  
  
"You're not going to die!" Zelgadis exclaimed. "Xelloss just made that up to scare you!"  
  
Gourry sniffled and looked at the Mazoku, while his eyes got big and teary. "D-did you, Xelloss?"  
  
Xelloss looked at him, in fake surprise. "Why, Goo-chan! I'm surprised that you would think that __I__ would LIE to you!"  
  
"So, I really can DIE from this?" Gourry asked, about to grope Lina again.  
  
"Yes," he answered, bluntly.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
That night, Gourry lay restlessly. Being unable to sleep, he had begun writing out a will.  
  
Gourry's Will  
  
Roller blades-Lina  
  
Bubble gum collection-Zel  
  
All my books that I never read-Zel  
  
My tonsils-Xelloss  
  
My collection of PASTRIES-Lina  
  
The Claire Bible-oh.heck, just throw that away  
  
And, finally my memoir, my odes, my poems, my novels, and my cake-you guys can split that stuff up if you want to! ((_^))  
  
  
  
  
  
In the morning, Gourry passed out black cloaks from his "bag of everything I got from our adventures."  
  
"What's this stuff for, Gourry?" Lina asked, eyeing the garment.  
  
"For the funeral," he answered, sadly.  
  
"Who died?" Zelgadis wondered.  
  
"Me!" the blonde swordsman cried, falling to his knees.  
  
"Oooookay."  
  
  
  
  
  
"We are here to remember our dear companion, Gourry Gabriev," Xelloss read.  
  
Gourry lay in a casket, closing his eyes, holding a bouquet of roses.  
  
Zelgadis, Lina, Amelia, Filia, Martina, and Sylphiel sat in a couple of pews. Sylphiel was hysterical.  
  
"NO!!" she cried out, suddenly.  
  
Xelloss cleared his throat. "Gourry was a great guy. He was real strong and cool and everybody liked him. Gourry?"  
  
"Yes?" he answered, opening one eye.  
  
"Did you write this yourself?"  
  
".yes."  
  
"I thought so. Um.all who know Gourry will miss him very, very much. After the fatal, cataclysmic tastebud incident caused by LINA AND XELLOSS PLAYING TOO MUCH, Gourry is gonna have to move on. Now, pause for my final moments."  
  
Silence.  
  
  
  
.  
  
  
  
Silence.  
  
  
  
.  
  
  
  
More silence.  
  
  
  
.  
  
  
  
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!" Zelgadis shouted, uncharacteristically. "GOURRY! DIDN'T YOU LISTEN WHEN I TOLD YOU, YOU WEREN'T GOING TO DIE!????"  
  
Gourry opened one eye again. ".no.I don't remember that part."  
  
The chimera sweatdropped. "I can guarantee that you won't die, Gourry," he said.  
  
"Really? Cool!" He jumped out of the casket. "I'm starving! Let's go get some lunch to celebrate!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Well, even though it was really dumb of Gourry," Lina said, between mouthfuls of food, "I guess it's good that we all got together again."  
  
Gourry suddenly gasped when he realized something. "I CAN TASTE, YOU GUYS!! IT'S A MIRACLE!!!"  
  
"Well, of course, Gourry-chan," Sylphiel said, "losing your tastebuds is usually only temporary."  
  
"Really? Cool!"  
  
"I can believe we went through all that trouble for nothing," Zelgadis muttered.  
  
"Aw, don't worry, Zel!" Gourry exclaimed. "At least I know that you guys fit in my black cloaks. Now I know exactly what you can be for Halloween!"  
  
"What?" Filia asked.  
  
"Mourners!!"  
  
The group sweatdropped.  
  
  
  
  
  
=Well, a little strange, but that's normal for me. I'm open for suggestions on my next fic, because I have absolutely NO IDEAS!! I'll do anything but lemon. Tell me something you'd like to hear about. I'd prefer humor, but I CAN do romance, or horror, or drama or whatever. I'll try anything once! Give me an idea if you want an idea written about!  
  
  
  
-Nova-chan-chan 


End file.
